It's A Beautiful Day in the Neighbourhood, A Beautiful Day in the Neighbourhood



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Would you be mine?  Could you be mine?  Pardon me one moment while I remove my shoes and jacket to put on my slippers and cardigan.

Don't worry, I haven't totally lost my ever loving mind . . . I am just caught up in remembering Mr. Rogers and his little ditty about his neighbourhood.  Mr. Rogers was a PBS show that I may or may not have watched when I was just a wee kidlet.  Follow the link if you want more info on the enigma himself!

Now back to the actual post.  I am one of the lucky people that got it right.  The house that we live in is surrounded, for the most part, by a group of wonderful people and together we have formed a true little neighbourhood. 

Why just last night we were all outside after returning home from work, watching the kids as they played.  Time flew by and pretty soon we realized that it was way past dinner time.  So, we all got together order pizza and hung out in one of the backyards enjoying a picnic and each other's company.  It was the perfect impromptu summer evening.

I am so grateful for this wonderful group of people that live around me.  They care for my children almost as much as I do and I trust that they will be looking out for mine just as I look out for their kidlets.  I also trust them to discipline my kids if need be and I am comfortable doing the same.  They have become family to us.

It was these wonderful neighbours who, along with Aunt Arwen who is an honourary neighbour, made my second maternity leave much smoother than the first . . . even though my PPD was far worse.  We had a weekly play date that helped all us because we were not alone.  We could chat and let the kids play.  It became a joint effort to care for the kids and that really took the pressure off, particularly on days when I was really struggling to cope.  Those play dates were my lifeline.  I always knew that on Wednesday we would be getting together and I could just hold on until our play date.

What a life saver these wonderful women were to me.  Knowing just how deeply into my depression I was sinking, I shudder to think how deep it would have / could have been without their support. 

So, it truly is a beautiful day in my neighbourhood because I know that I am surrounded by loving family who are there for my little family.  What more could one ask for when picking a home?!

What is your neighbourhood like?  What are your neighbours like? 

Jenn

To Vaccinate or Not to Vaccinate . . . That is the Question

Okay, so I don't normally delve into topics such as this one but a wonderful post written by an equally wonderful lady, the spectacular Eden Riley, got me thinking about it once again.

I vaccinated both of my kids and I followed the recommended guidelines when doing so.  I never thought twice about doing so because I felt, and I continue to feel that,  it was important to protect my kids from diseases that I actually had the ability to protect them from. 

In Canada these vaccinations are covered through our Universal Health Care System . . . that means there is not cost to me . . . none at all . . . it is totally covered by the government.  While this system is not perfect, it is one that I would, and will, fight for because I believe with all of my being that everyone should have access to medical care when the need it, not when they can afford it.  As a total aside, I cannot for the life of me understand why so many Americans are against a government run, not-for-profit, health care system.  I just don't get it.

So now back to the whole vaccination thing.  When my sister had her adorable baby girl she asked me when and why I got my kids vaccinated.  Apparently she and her husband (who I don't necessary get along with but that is a post for another time) had been watching a documentary that basically said that parents who give these shots to their kids were putting poison in them. *Huge sigh*

Deep breath.  I had to take a deep breath before asking her who made the documentary and what did they base their argument on.  See, for me that is a rather important piece of information.  There are all sorts of people out there the claim to be experts, to have a great deal of knowledge on this subject, but in reality are just pushing their own agenda.  Yes, I am totally thinking about Jenny McCarthy when I mention this.

Not wanting to strain my relationship with her husband any more than it already is I answered her question about the when and why why I got my kids vaccinated and then suggested that if she had questions  she make an appointment with her doctor who knows a whole lot more about it than I do.  I also suggested that she check to see what reputable websites had to say on the subject.  By reputable I don't mean google it, I mean sites such as The Hospital for Sick Kids, or the Canadian Pediatric Society.

And here is where I might piss off a few people because I am about to state my opinion on this whole vaccination debate.  I firmly believe that vaccinations are important.  I think that the people of my generation have the luxury of even considering against vaccination because we have been fortunate enough to have not seen these horrible diseases first hand.  Also, I find the argument that "I don't need to vaccinate by kid because the other kids are vaccinated" to be selfish and ignorant. According to that argument, people will happily allow other parents to put their kids at risk so that their kid can be protected. 

In so many countries around the world, innocent children are suffering horrible consequences or dying from diseases that could have been prevented had they been vaccinated.  These people desperately want to be vaccinated.  All the while,  we here in the "developed world" argue back and forth about the importance of vaccinations. 

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I agree, it does seem like a lot to put into such a tiny baby but I am putting my trust in the medical professionals because, until I have earned my medical degree, they know more than I, or google, know.  I believe if you have the opportunity to vaccinate your child that you should.  If you want to stagger the vaccinations or even delay them, fine that is your choice but understand that these shots are not evil and they have protected so many of us from some horrible diseases.

How do I end this post?  I will ask that you share your opinions on vaccination.  I will also ask that if you feel that vaccinations are important, check out sites like World Vision to see how you can help other gain access to these life saving shots.

Disclosure:  While I do not normally support religious bases organizations because I do not always agree with those beliefs, I happily support this organization because they honestly do amazing work around the world and here in Canada.  Also, World Vision has no idea that I have mentioned them in this post.

Jenn

Nervous Energy

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So, I posted my little rant about my MIL and then I started to wonder if I had crossed a line.  Did I make her sound like a horrible person?  I certainly hope not because nothing could be further from the truth.  Did I cross a line with my blogging subject because this was not just about me but brought in my extended family?  I am still not certain about that. 

I know that I stand by what I said but I have always said that I would never blog something that I would not talk about in real life.  However, yesterday I actually wrote that I wouldn't say anything to my MIL because I didn't want to upset her.  Hum, did I break my own rule?  Did I blog about something that I wouldn't talk about in real life?  I am still not certain.  I do know that blogging about it certainly helped to let it go.  I will just chalk it up to another quirky comment from a MIL, I am certain that we have all encountered those,  and move on. 

Brad is well aware of how confused and frustrated I was by his mom's comment.  We talked about it.  However all of yesterday I just kept feeling this nervous energy, a sort of anxiety, that had my heart racing a bit faster.  I worried that perhaps he would be upset, perhaps my post would disappoint him or even anger him.  He hasn't said anything to me but that feeling is still there.

I get this feeling when I worry that perhaps I have disappointed someone.  I have blogged about it before here and here, I have a deep seeded fear of disappointing people.  I felt this anxiety a lot during my first marriage and it was almost totally overwhelming when I finally decided to leave that marriage. 

I have a tendency to over think things which often ends up making things worse.  So, I am not going to ask Brad if I have upset him because I don't think that I have.  Ultimately, I will try and release this nervous energy at kickboxing tonight and trust that if my sweet hubby was actually upset he would talk to me about it.

Have you ever posted something and wondered if you had crossed a line?  Did you leave the post up or take it down?

Jenn

When MIL's Attack



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Okay, so attack might be a wee bit overstating it but I thought it was a cool post title nonetheless.

So let me begin this post by stating that I love my in-laws.  They are very sweet people who have accepted me into their family with open arms.  They would do anything to help Brad and I, and have been the source of great support since the start of our relationship.

They are rather typical, or is that stereotypical, small town folk . . . lived in the same area since they were born, surrounded by family and friends that look like them and share the same sorts of biases.  Let's just say that there isn't exactly a great deal of racial diversity or open closets where they come from. 

I do not agree with these biases but I am understanding of why they exist.  The fact is I have a tendency to play up things that I know get them because it is funny.  Take for example this past weekend when we got discussing the fact the Buddy LOVES trucks.  My sweet yet sexist FIL stated "Of course he loves trucks, they are boy toys."  I don't think there is such a thing as girl and boy toys and so I proceed to tell them how I let Buddy wear his sister's clip on earrings to school one day because that is what he wanted to do.  What can I say, the look of shock and dismay on their faces can be highly entertaining.  Lest you think they I just tease them in this manner, I would happily do the same thing to my dad because there are times that he exhibits similar beliefs regarding boy and girl toys.

So we have established that I love my in-laws and that I am understanding that they have certain biases and I have a tendency to be a wee bit of a shit and tease them about these biases.  Occasionally though, I have been frustrated and there have been a couple of instances where I have been rather pissed off.  This post is about an occassion when their baises actually pissed me off.

Cutting a long story short, this past December my MIL's mother passed away.  In June the house sold and the siblings all received a bit of money from the estate.  My MIL decided she wanted to give us a little bit of that money.  Now my MIL is all about the presentation of gifts.  She likes to sit us down together and give us a little speech before gifting us with whatever she is gifting with.  So I sat there listening intently to said speech when out of the blue a sentence stuck in my head and I began to feel the frustration rising.  It went like this: "Blah, blah, blah.  Yadda, yadda, yadda.  I wanted to give you a little bit of this money.  All I ask is that it not be used to buy alcohol." 

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Full stop.  What the hell?!  So random.  So out of context.  So blooding insulting.  I admit it, that sentence pissed me off.  I will also admit that it ran through my head to tell her to keep the money if she felt she had to put restrictions on as to how it was spent.  From my perspective, that is not so much a gift as it is a bribe . . . trying to get us to stop a behaviour that she does not approve of.

Now, I do enjoy a nice glass or two of wine but I cannot even remember the last time I was drunk.  I am and I have been for years, a responsible drinker.  Hell, that was one of the major issues with my ex-husband  . . . I no longer found drinking for the express purpose of getting drunk to be fun.  So I found this restriction on the gift to be insulting.

I understand that she has been exposed to alcoholics in her life and therefore she and my FIL do not drink at all.  Fine, that is their choice but I cannot stand being judged because I do enjoy alcohol.  For years Brad would not even have a drink in front of them.  He is an adult and he is very, very responsible with his drinking. 

I asked Brad where this totally out of context statement came from and he had no idea.  He could only assume that it came from the fact that there were a couple of bottles of alcohol on our counter and the fact that I drank a couple of glasses of wine in their presence.  I guess his mom did apologize when she phoned later on but as you can tell, I am still a bit miffed about it.

I won't say anything because ultimately this is not worth creating family drama.  I honestly believe that my MIL would be devastated to learn that she pissed me off this much and I don't want to make her feel that way because she truly is a sweet person.  I just cannot stand being judged and it pisses me off even more when it is in my own home.

So I decided to blog out my frustration and move forward.  Just so you know, I enjoyed a couple of tasty cappuccino martinis in her honour on Saturday night.  What can I say, I am a wee bit of a shit.

Anyone else ever felt judged by their in-laws?  Any in-law stories to share?

Jenn

Family Vacation : Part Two Us Vs. the Griswold's

So, we made it through the night in our typical fashion . . . I was in bed with Little Miss and Brad was in bed with Buddy . . . apparently some things never change while on vacation.

The good news is the Buddy actually slept in.  The bad news is that by sleeping in I mean he slept until 6:00 am.  Up for the day bright and early is not quite as easy to deal with in a hotel room.  In order to entertain the kids and keep the noise level down, the decision was made to throw clothes on our bodies and head down for the continental breakfast.  I know this may surprise you but we were the first ones there. 

Breakfast was spent trying to convince the kids that this was the time to eat and not run around the lobby like crazed maniacs . . . they apparently did not believe us.  Once we were able to herd them back into the elevator we headed back to our room so that showers could be had.

Ah the shower, a place of quiet, where one can prepare them self for the day ahead.  Well, unless you have my kids around you kept coming on in, asking when I was going to be done, throwing open the shower curtain, wearing the bathmat for headgear and just generally driving me nuts.  Needless to say, it was a quick shower.

Being the wonderful, nice considerate mom and wife that I am, I offered to take the kids out for a walk while Brad showered.  Don't I sound nice?!  Yeah well I had an ulterior motive.  You see, there was a Starbucks not a 3 minutes walk from the hotel and I was jonesing for a skinny mocha latte.  It was about 7:30 and the damn Starbucks was not open.  It is a coffee shop.  WTH?!  So, we wondered on down to the Tim Horton's were the kids got some timbits but I continued to hold out for my latte.

Back at the hotel and we are all ready to check out and it is just after 8. . .  am . . . yes we were checking out way before nine.  Back into the vehicle we go and I politely ask my hubby to stop so that I could get the aforementioned latte because it was after 8 and surely the damn Starbucks was open . . . it is a coffee shop.

Damn it . . . it it still closed.  So, saddened by my lack of a latte we make our way to the Butterfly Conservatory.  Which, it turned out, didn't open until 10 and we were there at 9.  Argh. 

Back to Starbucks we go where Little Miss proceeds to poo in their restroom and I order my latte.  Back to the butterflies we go.  We enjoy looking at said butterflies while be trailed by a guide who I believe honestly feared that my offspring would harm the butterflies.  What can I say, I am certain that if we let them, Buddy would have happily loved a few of them to death but we don't totally suck as parents and thus, we did NOT let them love the butterflies to death. 

Holy hell, this is turning into a long post and we haven't even made it to lunch yet.  I guess I should condense this now.  We arrive at water park at 11:30 and thank our lucky stars that there is a room ready for us because Buddy is done . . . he is a total mess . . . the kid needs a nap. 

Water park fun was had.  New flip-flops purchased.  Yummy chocolate purchased.  It was determined that mommy's bathing suit had in fact seen better days.  The kids played hard.  So hard that Little Miss pretty much laid down at the dinner table to go to sleep.  They were in bed and asleep by 7:30.  Brad and I were now stuck in a hotel room with two little kids and nothing decent on TV.  We were in bed by 9.

So there ends day two of our vacation . . . in perhaps way too much detail.  Sorry.

What in the world are parents supposed to do once their kids are asleep in hotel rooms?  Ideas anyone?

Jenn

So yeah . . . well hum

So I do remember saying that I would finish the tale of our first family vacation, hell I even titled the first post Part One.  I will do that, I promise, just not today.

I am not in a funny, cute kind of mood . . . I haven't been since Tuesday.  I am not horribly down, I am just quiet . . . in one of those moods where I have very little to say to those around me.  And so I say very little.

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past couple of days.  This is not always a good thing.  I can be a wee bit of an over-analyzer . . . I have a tendency to over-think things . . . and I have been known to stew to the point of not being able to sleep.  I spent pretty much my entire third year of university doing just that . . . it was a tiring year.

Last night I laid in bed, listening to an incredible thunder storm, thinking about how to get back to a place where I am happy and content the majority of the time.  I must admit, I considered upping my pills or just asking to go all out and give Prozac a shot but that wouldn't be actual happiness and I am not at the point anymore where the artificial stuff will do.  I want to be a happy fun person again.  I want to be someone that I would want to spend time with.

I need to stay at my job, at least for now, because it is the responsible thing to do.  Brad does have something that will start in the fall but it is contract and thus will have to be renewed each year.  My job provides our family with benefits . . . a huge bonus given that while in daycare the kids manage to pick up a variety of wonderful germs.  Oh yes, and let us not forget that I make use of said benefits when I refill my happy coping pills prescription. 

So, I shall stay here but I shall do so with walls built up around me.  I cannot allow myself to be so hurt by those around me here.  It just drags me back to a place that I have fought long and hard to get out of.  So . . . walls it is. 

I will also continue to keep my eyes open for new opportunities.  Who knows what might be around the corner or down the street.   I will continue to work on this space.  Who knows, maybe one day this space will become so much more than what it is now.  A new start. 

I have started a new project here at work that I am hoping will become something special . . . something new to focus on and be proud of.  I realize that I will not likely receive any positive feedback on this project from anyone here but it is something that I have been pondering for a long time.  Now is the time to see if I can make it work.

What ways have you coped when life has placed you in a situation that you cannot leave but must learn to live with?  Did you built up walls?  Or did you find another way to be open to the way things are? 

Jenn

He Did What Wednesday . . . As Written by Me

Hey guess what?  I am actually guest posting today over at Where's My Glow.  Yay for me! 

I am rather excited as it is my first proper guest post.  After tweeting away, the wonderful Glowless asked if I would be interested in writing a post for her He Did What !? Wednesday.  So of course I jumped at the chance.

So it would be ever so lovely if you would jump along with me over to Where's My Glow and leave a little comment loving, I would be soooooo grateful! 

Jenn

The Griswold's Ain't Got Nothing On Us : Part One



Theatrical poster by
Boris Vallejo

So, this weekend we headed out for our first family mini vacation . . . a real one where we stayed in a hotel, not just heading to my parent's cottage.  I shall preface this post by stating that we all made it home relatively unscathed and totally exhausted.

Saturday morning: 10 am.  - What can I say, I knew that I would need all the sanity and patience I could muster for this trip, so I scheduled myself to get to one kickboxing class before heading out.  It was a good workout and I arrived home ready to jump in the shower, and then jump in the car.

Saturday morning: 10:45 am. - The Fox in the City family is all packed in the car and ready to head out on our big adventure.  We thought we were prepared for a two hour car ride . . . turns out we were WRONG.

Here follows how our vacation started to resemble something out of a movie staring the Griswold's:
1.  The traffic was horrible . . . I mean it HORRIBLE.  The normally 2 hour trip look us almost 5 hours . . . yes 5 hours. 
2.   Part of the reason it took us 5 hours to get there was that we heard the call of the wild . . . aka Little Miss saying  "I have to go poo really, really bad", not once but twice.  The second time was about 10 minutes after we had gotten back on the highway from the first poo stop. 
3. We expected Buddy to sleep pretty much the whole way . . . he slept for 45 minutes. So now we have a 3.5 year old, who not 15 minutes into the trip asked if we were almost there yet, and a 1.5 year to entertain for god knows how long because of #1.
4.  We did not have nearly enough snacks and there were no drinks or toys within easy reach.  Parental fail that was made worse by #1. 

Some time around 3:30 we finally arrived and the kids loved running around the hotel room and checking out everything.  After checking in and trying to figure out what to do with an exhausted yet totally excited little man, we decided to pack the kids into the stroller and check out all of the sights and sounds of Clifton Hill (similar to the Vegas strip but with less casinos and sex shops . . . at least according to what it looks like on CSI).

I could not help but smile as I watched the kids just taking in everything around them with looks of wonder, confusion and amazement.  Little Miss wanted to do everything!  We talked her into going down to look at the giant water falls.  It was there that she lost her show over the railing.  It would make for a great story if I now wrote that we watched the flip-flop tumble down into the great white water of Niagara Falls but nope, sadly it just landed on a ledge, out of reach and thus it was abandoned. 

A trip to the hotel pool and promises of shopping for new flip-flops rescue Little Miss from the depths of exhausted-shoe-missing sadness and we move forward with our vacation.  While out for dinner Buddy practically attacked the waitress with the balloon he happily accepted from some nice man on the street and neither kid would eat. 

As I write all of this out, I realize that I forgot to mention a crucial bit of information . . .  one that could have totally derailed this entire trip . . . you see, Mommy forgot to pack her make-mommy-less-angry-better-able-to-cope-with-life pills.  Oh yes, here we set off on our first family vacation and I forgot my anti-depressants! 

Anyhoo, even with the travel tribulations and the sad tale of a lost flip-flop, our first night was success.  I crashed in bed with Little Miss, Brad crashed with Buddy and we all drifted off to sleep around 8:30 . . . oh yes, we partied it up!

As the title suggests, this is the first part of what I think will end up being a three part blog post on this first little trip of ours.  Tomorrow we shall learn the lesson of always checking to see when things open, how getting up at the crack of stupid means that there is never a line for breakfast and seriously Starbucks . . . why the hell were you not open at 7:30 . . . you are a goddamned coffee shop!  More on that tomorrow.

So folks, any vacation tips to share with us?  Any Griswold like moments that you survived to tell the tales of?

Jenn

Writing Prompt - The Last Time My Heart Melted

I am working on my writing . . . you know actually becoming a writer as opposed to just spilling forth whatever is on my mind.  So, in order to accomplish this, I am taking the advice of one Lady Estrogen and followed her to the wonderful site of Mama Kat.  Mama Kat creates writing prompts that can spur on a newbie writer to greatness . . . or at least that is the plan.

Okay, so moving forward now, the writing prompt I chose was to write about the last time my heart melted.  I chose to take this as more of a metaphor and not literally because, well luckily, my heart has never literally melted.

Believe it or not, the last time this occurred was this morning (or yesterday morning depending on when I put this post up). 

So, I have in the past mentioned the rather insane sleeping situation in our house . . . well last night I was in Little Miss's room snoozing with her and Brad had Buddy in our room.  Sometime around 6:10 this morning, the door to Little Miss's room creaked open there was Buddy squealing in Brad's arms.

He powered over to the bed and climbed up as fast as his little 1.5 year old limbs would let him.  The smile on his face was huge . . . I mean it huge.  According to Brad he had been itching to come in and see us.  He climbed over to Little Miss and gave her the biggest hug possible along with his patented "mwah"  . . . what can I say, my son air kisses and it is adorable. 

Little Miss totally hugged him back and, this is what really made my heart melt, said to him "I love you too Buddy".  Okay join me now in saying . . .. Awwwwwww.  I know, cute eh?! 

The three of us spent a good 5, maybe even 10, minutes lounging around in bed hugging and air kissing.  It was honestly one of my top parenting moment . . . the obvious and in your face way those two show their love means that we are doing something right as parents.

So, this was my first attempt at writing using a writing prompt . . . hopefully it doesn't suck.  It definitely brought a smile to my face remembering the how adorable my kidlets can be . . . when they are not busy driving me totally bonkers.

What the Hell was I thinking?!

Okay so last night went like any other night.  I headed out from a busy day of avoiding work while at work.  I hopped in my hot as hell car, made my way to pick up the kids, waited for the kids to get their shit together and headed home for a quick dinner.  Wednesdays are a wee bit rushed now because Little Miss has soccer and last night it was at 6.

So, we arrived home to Brad being AWESOME and doing the dishes . . . love him.  As he is doing said dishes he mentions that I had a phone call.  The phone call was from Little Miss's soccer coach asking me to cover for her because she was sick.  Brad agreed on my behalf . . . which was cool because I had considered coaching so this was my opportunity to give it a shot.

Let me state now that I am not quite certain that I have the temperament to coach a bunch of 3 & 4 year olds.  So this is how is all went down.

Firstly, we are supposed to have 9 players . . . we only had 6 show up.  Okay, two lines that is easy enough to handle.  The night begins with some skill lessons because what 3 or 4 year old do you know that actually knows how to play a sport.  So fine, we set up and I am all supportive . . . handing out high-fives like they are going out of style and gently but positively cajoling little ones into actually giving drill we are supposed to be working on a shot. 

This is when I begin to realize that I just might not be cut out for this.  The other coach has his kids listening to him and more or less doing what they are told.  I on the other hand have Little Miss hanging off of me  . . . why, I have now effing idea other than I am her mom and she was not all that interested in sharing me.  I also have a little guy who just refusing to do the drill and wants to do his own thing . . . to hell with what I am asking of him.  I have two other little guys who pretty much need me to tell them over and over again that they are doing awesome or they just stop doing anything and run to their moms. 

By the end of the skills part I am sweating and telling myself over and over again, this is all just for fun and take and big deep breath.  Now, we move on to the game but before that starts one of my little guys decides that he has had enough and leaves . . . now I am down 4 players . . . awesomesauce. 

So, I spend the game part of the night trying to a) get the kids to actually stay on the field and not run over to their parents, b) actually run after the ball, c) stop farting on the field or at least say "excuse me", d) actually touch the ball when it is near them, e) stop tackling members of the other team , f) not skip across the field in the other direction of the ball while holding hands with the rest of the team on the field, g) not allow the swear words that are running through my head to escape my lips, and finally h) keep that positive smile pasted on my face as we get our tiny little arses kicked.

Well now, we made it through the night with nary a swear word escaping my lips and we actually scored a goal . . . of course it was on our net but it was a nice goal so we will take it.  Lest you think I am one of those parents, swearing at the kids for making mistakes . . . that is not me, the swearing that was running through my head was mostly related to the fact that I spent the night running around like a chicken with my head cut off and I so did not wear the right outfit for that! 

I can see it now, you are all wondering what I will do the next time Coach Kim calls and asks me to cover for her . . . oh you know that I will say yes because I am just that kind of glutton for punishment . . . besides, little kid soccer really is rather cute . . . when I am watching it from the sidelines.

So, have any of your dear reader ever coached your kids?  How does your experience rate with mine? 

Jenn

The Tide is High or Turning or something else that is Good

Well now, I started a post yesterday about whether or not what we write is what we mean and the power of interpretation but I didn't finish it . . . perhaps one day but not today.

Today is a day to write about the twinkling, inkling of possible good things.  So, Brad decided that one night away was just not enough and so now our little family is going away for two whole nights of family fun!  I am excited to start taking trips with the kidlets and letting them experience the world outside of our neighbourhood.

Okay, okay so we are only heading to Niagara Falls . . .  which is only 2 hours or so away from our home . . . but still it is away.  Also, what better a place to introduce the kids to some of the more cheesy aspects of travel!  We will be tourists, not travellers, and we will have a great time.  I really want to actually travel with the kids one day . . . someday . . . when we have money . . . heavy sigh.

I believe the added night was to celebrate.  You see, Brad found out that he has been hired by the local Board of Education.  Yes that wind the just blew across your cheek was me finally exhaling. The position is a contract to teach courses at the continuing education center so there is a possibility that is might not be full time but it is a foot into the Board and a pay cheque. 

I would be lying if I didn't say that I am still a nervous nelly.  I am a big fan of full time positions that you know for certain will bring in a pay cheque year after year.  I know, I know many people work on contracts and do just fine.  So while I am still fretting a wee bit, I am also ever so proud of Brad for keeping me from totally loosing my high stressed mind  . . . and for finding another job quickly.

The kids will be able to enjoy more time with their dad this summer . . . like they were able to do with me last summer.  They will hit the zoo and the cottage.  They will relax at the library . . . well, once I show Brad where it is. Sorry hun but it had to be said.  They will also spend some time at their daycare while daddy works on some odd jobs. 

I am really looking forward to this little trip.  A break from our routine is just what all of us need! I am also looking forward to taking nice long weekends in the summer and just doing stuff with my little family!  All in all, it is shaping up to be a great summer . . . things are such much brighter than they were a couple of months ago.  Now if only I could find it in me to like my job again . . . hum, that might be asking too much.

What is the biggest thing that you have done to celebrate events with your family? 

Jenn

A Shit of a Mood

Since yesterday morning I have been in totally shitty mood.  I am well aware that I am hormonally pissy and yet I cannot get out of it.

I am amazed at just how affected mood is by hormones . . . well, perhaps it is just my mood.  Since having the kids, or is it since I have gone off the pill . . . hum good question, I have found that I am at the mercy of my hormones.  I believe that they have played a role in my PPD and they certainly play a role in my monthly pissy mood.  Also, add to that the new addition of stabbing craps and my mood just plummets to the depths of total no patience for anything bitch. 

Yesterday morning was Brad's morning to get a bit of extra sleep.  The little man and I were up around 5:30 and hanging out cuddling on the couch catching up on cartoons.  Oh yes, I am not ashamed to admit that I use the TV to help pass those early mornings with the kidlets . . . judge if you must.  I have mentioned it before but Buddy is a cuddler . . . he absolutely loves to be held, hugged, kissed and just plain snuggled.  We were in the midst of a huge snuggle session when Little Miss joined us about an hour later.  Then the battle for mommy began.  Little Miss slyly replaces Buddy on my lap . . . he squeals and shoves her off . . . rinse and repeat over and over and over and over and you get the idea.

Well, my hormonally pissy mood was just not up for the battle for my lap and the whining that went along with it.  I more or less kept my cool but I was about done by the time Brad was up. 

I know that I should love that my kids are so into me and that they both desperately want to cuddle up with me but there are times when I just want to sit by myself, to not have the kids fighting for position on my lap.  Does that sound as horrible to you as it does to me?  Wow, I should love it . . . shouldn't I?

So here I am at work, still in that shitty mood.  Trust me when I say that being here only makes it worse.  Oh that and listening to Bosslady plan a lunch with the curator and the girl that replaced me last year . . . awesome, I love being the odd one out . . . particularly when I used to always be included.  Argh, it is like a high school flashback . . . shunned by the cool kids yet again . . . yuck!

Oh well, most of this mood will pass as soon as my hormones settle back down . . . at least I hope . . .

Anyone else find they are at the mercy of their hormones after kids?  I can't be alone in the monthly total bitch pissy mood department?  Oh man if I am, I totally owe Brad a huge apology.

Jenn

When Did Taking Responsibility Become So Passe

There is a trial going on right now in the U.S. that is so very upsetting because it deals with the death of a child.  It is also astonishing because of the story, um, explanation . . . I am not even certain what to call it, I guess that it is the argument being put forth by the defence.

The trial is that of Casey Anthony who is accused of murdering her two year old daughter Caylee.  This post is not about the ins and outs of the trial but about the explanation put forth by the defence.  Both sides now agree that Anthony did in fact lie about what happened to her daughter . . . she lied for well over 5 months.  The prosecution argues that she lied because she murdered her daughter.  The defence however argues that she lied because she was in denial of the fact that her daughter had supposedly accidentally drowned.  She was in denial due to the psychological scars she apparently has from being sexually abused by her own father as a child.

As a person who has been abused in the past, I find this defence rather interesting to say the least.  Even though I was abused, I am perfectly aware of the difference between right and wrong . . . I understand that an accident is just that, an accident. 

Now the trial is currently underway, there has been no verdict, so at this time I don't know what the truth is.  What is known is that something went horribly wrong and a little girl died.  What is also know is that her mother played a role in hiding this death from the authorities, through a series of lies, for well over five months.  These are facts. 

What I am focusing on is the fact that the defence being put forth is yet another example of an epidemic that I see plaguing so many today . . . the complete inability to accept responsibility for one's actions.

Even if things went down exactly as the defence claims it did.  Even if she was horribly abused by her father.  Even it was all just an accident.   She is still not accepting responsibility for being scared and doing the wrong thing. She is still not accepting responsibility for the fact that she allowed her poor daughter's body to rot outside.

Honestly, when did the ability to accept responsibility for one's actions become passe?  When did it become acceptable to place the blame on anything and everyone other than yourself?

We see this over and over again in the media.  Politicians claiming they were hacked . . . yeah.  Celebrities claiming that their repeated arrests are not their fault . . . the police are just trying to set examples.  Oh yes, I am in fact referring to one Lindsey Lohan with that statement.

I sincerely hope this epidemic ends with my kids generation.  I sincerely hope that I am teaching them that actions have consequences . . . and not all of those consequences are going to be good ones.  Okay, so at the moment their actions tend to be things like spilling milk and breaking toys but one day they are going to be so much bigger than this . . . I am willing to accept that accidents happen but there are somethings I just can't fix . . . trust is one of them.

Am I the only one that sees this as an epidemic?  Has anyone else been following this trial?

Jenn

When the Scheduled go all Spontaneous

On the whole, I am not a particularly spontaneous person.  I am not completely OCD about how my days go, but I guess I find routine more settling for me.

Occasionally though, I am just struck by the need to do something and to do it now.  More often than not, this feeling results in my hair being dyed, highlighted and/or changed into a much shorter style.  One time, this need to do something now actually resulted in my hopping on a plane a day early, arriving on Nassau without a hotel reservation and just having an awesome night with friends. 

Anyhoo, yesterday I was saying that perhaps it was time for me to book a bit of time away from work and do something fun with the kids.  And because I was in one of those moods . . . that's what I did.  It is not a huge vacation, sadly no planes are involved,  but it is a chance to get away and do something fun and new with the kids.

In just over a week we will be heading to spend one night in a hotel.  My kids have never stayed in a hotel so that, in and of it self, should be fun.  However, the hotel is attached to a water park and this is where I think the kids are going to have an amazing time.  The water park actually has an entire toddler area with slides and a pool just the right size for my little kiddos. I personally cannot stand the thought of spending so much time in a bathing suit but I will do this for my kids  . . . because that is what moms do . . . right?!

It will be our first baby step into travelling with the kids.  I love to travel and I have so many more places in the world that I want to see.  Little Miss and I talk about all the different places that we want to go to some day.  I don't think that she actually knows where any of these places are but if the Little Einstein's have been there it must be fun.  Ah, bless those Little Einstein's for instilling a desire in my little girl to travel and see all the cool things that they see.  Ah, if only I were independently wealthy . . . just think of all the travelling we could do.  ~sigh~

Coincidentally, this trip is also going to kick off Brad's forced retirement from his job.  The day that we are at the hotel, I will be the only one required to take time off because neither Brad nor the kids have any place they are supposed to be.  I can't think of a better way to spend the first day of this new reality . . . avoiding this new reality!

Do you travel with your kids?  Where is the farthest that you have taken them?  Did you need a vacation from your vacation?

Jenn

Lonely . . . I'm So Lonely

For some odd reason, that song is running through my head.  Also, it is being sung in that low raspy voice used by Daphne Zuniga in that terrible Stars Wars rip off . . . "may the Shwartz be with you" movie.  Sorry if that is just too obscure a reference but it is what it is. Ooops, I am beginning to think she was singing "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen" . . . so I have no idea whose voice is running around in my brain and yes, that is a wee bit disconcerting.  Not even the cheerfully annoying theme from Elmo's World seems to be able to wrest it from my brain.

Do you think it means something?  Or did I just see the word lonely and then *pop* the ever so cheery song burrowed into my brain?

I think perhaps it is actually a combination of both.  I am a bit down today.  It is grey out.  I am here at work.  I am PMSing.  All of these factors have combined to bring me down . . . just a bit . . . but enough that I have noticed it. 

Thing is I have been feeling ever so much better since I started on my new meds.  At the start of this journey I didn't want to go on meds. I wanted to avoid them, to try and get through this with the therapy and a focus on exercise.  It helped . . . but not enough.  So meds it is and I am grateful that I am finally starting to feel more like myself again.

Perhaps this is why days like this, when I am feeling just a little bit down, make me feel more anxious than they should.  Everyone, even those not trying to pull themselves out of the darkness, has days when they feel down and today is just one of those days for me.  But I was just starting to feel better . . . starting to feel like I was able to cope with life the way I wanted to cope with life . . . I was starting to feel more like me . . . I don't want to go back to feeling grey again. 

Time for a vacation!

I think perhaps I need to start planning for some vacation . . . some time away from here . . . a long weekend with the family and friends.  Time away, a break from the everyday, a plan to continue moving out of the darkness.  I should get on that.

What do you do when you have days like this?  How do you get out of a funk?

Jenn

Things that go THUD in the Night

So last night was a typical night in our house . . . I was in bed with Little Miss and Brad had Buddy in our bed.  Yes, we are a full on co-sleeping family . . . if only we could afford to just a big king sized bed perhaps we could all just sleep together.

At one point in the wee hours of the morning I heard Buddy fussing a bit and then I heard a THUD, a sickening THUD, and the full on crying.  I powered out of bed,  flew into our bedroom and turned on the lights.  There on the floor was Buddy.

He was on his hands and knees and appeared to be just fine, other than totally startled to be on the floor.  I picked up my baby boy and cuddled him for all he was worth.  I felt relief just wash over me as he stopped crying and cuddled in and fell quickly back to sleep.

This is the first time that Buddy has fallen out of bed.  Of course it had to our bed he fell out of . . . the one that is so high that when I sit on the mattress my feet don't touch the floor.  This is not the first time we have experience a kid falling out of bed.

Little Miss has fallen out probably 4 or 5 times.  I have to admit, one time I had a bit of a giggle because I heard the THUD and quickly made my way to her room.  As I entered the door I saw her standing on her feet as she called out "Whoa" to no one in particular. 

Rationally, I knew that he was just fine but my not so rational side went back to bed with my heart racing . . . worrying.  Maybe he had a concussion?  What if he got whiplash?

He is just fine and he happily went right back to bed cuddling up with Daddy.  Will we stop this crazy co-sleeping thing we have going on now . . . not likely.  The kids seem to really need the extra night time cuddles and if they are sleeping . . . then mommy and daddy are sleeping . . . win win.  Perhaps though, we may just have Buddy sleep in his room with one of us . . . on a single bed . . . yuck!  Or maybe not!

Have you heard that THUD in the night?  Did it make you heart race the way that mine did?

Jenn

Finding Time

Lately there are just nowhere near enough hours in the day.  We have the usual daily stuff of work, daycare and meals but now there is new stuff, such as soccer, using up time and suddenly there is just none left.

It appears that summer is finally here. . . . finally.  For our family, that means spending as much time as possible outside.  However, time is not on our side.  At the moment both Brad and I work from 8 until 4.  There is no time to play outside before work leaving after work for our outdoor family time. 

So the kids bound out of the car as soon as we get home and get to playing ASAP.  Sometimes we hang with their friends across the road, sometimes we head to the park and other times we get out the bikes and ride around the neighbourhood.  We soak in the great weather and enjoy the chance to play together. 

Well, all of this play time means that dinner gets pushed back and then bath gets pushed back and then bed  . . . and very quickly I find that we are running out of time.  Something has to give. 

Lately, I have been the thing that gives.  More specifically getting out to kickboxing has just not been happening.  Take last night for example, I planned on going . . .  I wanted to go but we were outside until close to 6 so then dinner was later.  Little Miss begged to go to the park after dinner, so she and Brad headed off while I gave Buddy a much needed bath.  When it was all said and done, Little Miss and Brad didn't arrive back home until 7 and my class starts at 7:15. 

I have found that now that this nice weather is here, I am really struggling to make it to a class at 7:15.  Luckily there are two nights a week where I can go at 8 but I miss getting in the workout of a double class.    Somtimes 45 minutes just doesn't feel like enough and I loved having the option to stay for a second class.

That being said, this nice weather is perfect for playing outside and both of my kids LOVE being outside.  They don't see us that much during the week and this is their time to play with mom and dad and to spend time together as a family.

So I really don't even try to make it to kickboxing for the early class anymore.  That fact is hurting a goal that I had set for myself.  I had hoped to lose the final 15 lbs or so that would allow me to comfortably fit back into some of my old summer stuff.  We don't have the funds for me to be buying new stuff so I thought I would just get back to using some old stuff.  Well now, that has not happened and I am a bit frustrated and worried that I will have nothing to wear this summer.

I am trying to find a way to balance the kids needs, Brad's needs and my needs and so far, I have not been all that successful.  Brad is more than willing to help me and let me make those early classes, it is me that is struggling with taking away the kids time with me when I know that at least two nights a week I can make it out after Buddy is in bed and be back in time to put Little Miss to bed.

I have been left wondering how the hell to get everything done.  I mean, I have totally let go of the house work and cooking has become make the simplest thing possible and yet . . . there is still not enough time.

How do you do it?  How does one find the time to get to kickboxing or whatever it is that interests you?

Jenn

Photos found here.

Stuck



Image found here.

I am beginning to feel stuck here and I hate that feeling.  It seems to me that my job is really the only thing left in my life that still makes me feel foggy and grey.  The last stumbling block in my ability to move beyond the depression.  How ironic is that?  My job was one of two places that I actually felt vibrant during my first marriage . . . sadly our home was not the other place.

Now I sit at my desk knowing that there is so much to do and yet not getting to it.  The absolute lack of any positive feedback has pretty much solidified my total lack of motivation. I force myself to be a bit more social than I feel like being because maybe, just maybe, that will make this place become vibrant for me again. 

Leaving this job is not an option.  Brad is about to be laid off.  There are not exactly a lot of jobs in my field.  Anything that comes up tends to be contract and my anxiety could not handle that.  So I am stuck.  Being stuck tends to pull me back, away from the progress that I have made and it sucks the colour out of my days.

When I first returned to work after Little Miss I felt great.  I loved being back and I loved the work I was doing.  But then I got pregnant with Buddy and I was slammed hard by the depression and the 9 months worth of vomiting . . . yet again.  It seems to me that I still see this place through depression coloured glasses. 

I don't know if I can remove these depression coloured glasses or if the way to get rid of the fog is to move beyond this job.  Hum, interesting conundrum seeing as I can't leave this job.

Do you have a place that just brings you down?  What do you do when you feeling stuck?

Jenn

A Powerful Way to Show Thanks

I am Canadian.  We Canadians are not known for grandiose exhibitions patriotism . . . well unless there is a rather important hockey game, then put me in the red and white, paint a maple leaf on my face and watch me go a wee bit Canada crazy.  A spontaneous grassroots outpouring of patriotism has put that reputation to the test.

Photo found here.

The Canadian Armed Forces have been over in Afghanistan since 2001.  Each time one of our soldiers is killed, their flag draped coffin arrives at Canada's largest Air Force base, travels just over 200 km along the highway to the coroner's office.  It is along this stretch of highway that Canadians wear their flags and hearts on their sleeves.  They do this to let the family of that soldier, along with all of the members of the Armed Forces, know that we recognize the sacrifice and say thank you for it.

Each and every time a soldier returns home in a flag draped coffin . . . Each and every time a family travels with that coffin along the highway . . . they are not alone.  They are met by crowds of people standing on the overpasses, holdings flags, saluting and emergency vehicles flashing their lights, showing the family that we understand what huge sacrifice was made for our country. No matter the weather . . . on the coldest of winter days, during the fiercest storms and on days that the heat can take your breath away . . . they are there.  Flags swirling, lights flashing, people joined together in one powerful voice saying "Thank you.  Thank you for your sacrifice.  Thank you for doing a job that I am not able to.  Thank you for giving your child to their country.  Thank you". 

That stretch of highway is now known as the Highway of Heroes.  Heroes they are . . . each and everyone of them.  Each and every family that has had to make that drive following a flag draped coffin. 

Heroes.


I have travelled along the highway just before a soldier has made that journey.  My god what a sight it is.  Every overpass, I do mean every overpass, has people standing on it showing their support, their appreciation, their respect.  It is powerful.  So powerful that it made me cry.  I cried for the families facing a future without a loved one . . . such a huge loss.  I cried for the fact that sacrifices such as this are still necessary.  I cried because I was totally overwhelmed at the sight of sea of red and white and the pride that welled up in me.

I travelled that stretch of highway again this weekend and once again a soldier was coming home.    My heart goes out to the families that have lost loved ones and that have had to travel this stretch of highway. 

Thank you for your sacrifices. 

 
Jenn

Music and Memories

I just love her hair here!

So, I was once again stuck in traffic for a crappy amount of time today.  On my way home, I thought I would throw in a CD (oh yes, I know it is old technology) and sing away to some old tunes to help pass the shitty drive.

Man, that one act took me back in time . . . back to when I was miserably married to my ex.  Linkin Park is the soundtrack of that marriage.  Their first album took me through the wedding planning.  The best line ever . .  "Shut up when I'm talking to you" . . . .was shouted along with, a the top of my lungs, when my in-laws dictated wedding plans without my consent. You see, they were Italian so apparently we HAD to have an Italian wedding . . . funny I was the bride and the last I checked . . . I am not Italian (well, I have been known to eat like one but still not the point). 

The second album was the soundtrack for the last year of my marriage and my growing hatred of my ex.  I would play that album as loud as I could stand it in the car and just shout along.  That is the album I listened to today.  I was literally transported back and I could clearly remember the pain and anger I used to harbour. 

Louis Armstrong's What a Wonderful World can still make me cry.  I danced to that song with Grandpa R at my first wedding . . . less than four months later he was gone . . suddenly and unexpectedly.  Abba, particularly that song about the ballerina, reminds me of my Grandpa W.  He always had that tape in his car.  He had eclectic music tastes as he also listened to the guy who play Goymer Pyle on the Andy Griffith show . . . yes he had an album.

Any alt-rock song transports me back to university.  My god I so loved listening to Nirvana, Alice in Chains and the Violent Femmes while slowly sipping (or possibly pounding back) drinks of a sociable nature (you know beer, gin and lime, vodka and anything).

At the moment, the soundtrack of my life is kids music and I wouldn't have it any other way . . . well I could do without the Doodle Bops but such is life.

What is the soundtrack of you life?  Are there any songs that can just transport you back to another time?  What are those songs?

Jenn

THE Story . . . You Know the One

So I started my last post by mentioning the fact that my husband's ex-wife married my ex-husband and people were a teeny tiny bit curious about how that all came about.  So let's go on a journey into my past which became a wee bit of a soap opera.

I began dating my ex in my first year, pretty much the first month, of university.  He was older, in his third year, and I was his first girlfriend . . . ever.  Things were going along smoothly, I was making friends and I now had a wonderful boyfriend . . . who had a car.  Brad's ex was also in her first year and lived down the hall from me.  Soon a pretty tight group of friends formed. 

Brad arrived in my third year and soon after began dating his ex.  With that, he was welcomed into our group of friends.  At that time I was struggling both in my relationship and with trying to decide what I wanted for my future.  Yadda yadda yadda, we stayed together even though we probably shouldn't have and I figured out that I wanted to get into the museum field.

So we carried on with this group of friends.  I didn't really know Brad all that well until I lived with him for a year after university.  His ex lived with us for a while, as well another friend.  Even then, I would say that I still didn't know him all that well.

Eventually we all finished school, got jobs, bought houses and began living like adults . . . most of the time.  The group of friends was interested in drinking games and group nakedness and to be perfectly honest, I was not.   Parties included drinking to get drunk, dancing in the basement and games that allowed for people to get frisky with people other than their significant other.  I was not interested and I began to pull away and find new friends . . . this did not make my husband at the time all that happy.  I was told that I was being a bitch.  I was told that there was no need for me to be so miserable.

Making a very long story short, I pulled away and got closer and closer to Brad as he was more in the same head space as me.  So, we left our spouses and eased into a relationship.  We were ostracized.  The old group of friends was torn apart and sides were chosen . . . not too many chose our side. 

Brad and I knew that our exs would end up together.  Why?  Because it was easy.  Because that way the tight group could stay together without new people interrupting the intimacy, the history, the shared secrets.  Because they were able to play the victims together. 

The story doesn't end with the remarriages . . . nope.  I wrote about how I had an unplanned home birth with midwives.  I love the birth story of my first.  It is such a neat (did I seriously just use the term neat . . . sorry apparently I am from the 50's) story and it was mine.  Well it was until Brad's ex went and had the same thing happen to her . . . with the same midwife.  Seriously, what are the chances that both of us would have the same midwives, that both of us would have unplanned home births, that she would totally steal my cool birth story?! Okay, obviously the chances are pretty good because it happened. 

Sometimes I wonder if we all just made a mistake.  I wonder if we did eventually end up with the person we were meant to be with. 

We did not swap spouses.  We are no longer friends with that old group of people.  I joke that we won a few precious friends from that time so long ago and I am not sad to no longer have the others in my life.

My dad, who totally took one
for his daugther.  Mwah!

Seeing as we all live in the same area there have been a few slightly awkward run-ins but not nearly as many as one would expect.  The worst run-in was actually for my dad who participated in a golf tournament with Brad and my ex.  Poor dad, nothing like spending the day between his son-in-law and his former son-in-law!

I do no hide the fact that I was married before Brad.  Just the other day Little Miss came across both of my wedding dresses.  I showed her pictures from my first wedding . . . none with the ex in them but ones with me and a very special one with me and my dad.  She loved them and they are currently on display in her room. 

 I do admit that I am friends with my ex on Facebook. It sole purpose of this was to be able to stalk his family . . . sadly he has not put up any photos. The whole thing just seems like a life time ago. So much has happened since. I am remarried. I have two beautiful kids. I am settled.

So yes, I once lived a soap opera but not so much now.  What about you?  Do you have a soap opera moment in your life?  Are you willing to share it?

Jenn

Of Swinging and Swapping . . . Spouses that is

Photo found here.

My ex-husband married my current husband's ex-wife. 

I will give you a moment to digest that information.  Dum de dum . .  ready to move forward now? 

Yes I am talking about Brad's ex-wife.  Yes, yes I know it is rather strange.  Yes it has been called a wife swap.  Yes I totally hate when people call it a wife swap.  Perhaps one day I will regale you with the entire story . . . but today is not that day.

So, other than sharing with you that rather soap-opera moment of my life and writing out that ever so fun sentence, I do have another motive for sharing it.  There is a local radio station that is running an "in depth investigation" into a website called swapper.net or something like that.  This is no investigation, these guys just want to be able to talk about all sorts of sex related things and this gives them yet another reason.

However, it has got me thinking about all the people out there that invite others into their relationships.  I honestly believe in "too each their own" but I just cannot see how it could be a positive for relationships.

Hey, I am all for sex for the sake of sex!  Sometimes there is no need for the emotional aspects of sex but a desperate need for the physical aspects.  However, at least for me, the emotional aspects are what make sex in a committed relationship so different from just sex.

I just don't think I would enjoy watching Brad with another woman.  Strike that, I KNOW that I would HATE it.  It would hurt too much for it to be even remotely sexy.  I am committed to him.  I have my two beautiful children with him.  I have given so much of myself to him . . . I just cannot imagine sharing that aspect of our relationship with someone else.

From my perspective, our committment is what allows me to be more open to suggetions regarding our sex life.  I am comfortable.  I am confident (well mostly . . . the post-pregnancy body has shaken that confidence somewhat).  I am open to trying new things.

I think that bringing someone else into our bedroom would damage that committment and I know it would destroy that confidence.   How could the thoughts of "Does he find her more sexy than me?"  "Is he better than I am?" not creep into our relationship . . . bascially destroying the foundation of that relationship.

So, I will continue to say "Too each their own" and I will continue to listen in to this "investigative reporting" but I will do so with a clear understanding that it is soooo not for me.  Well, other than trading husbands once upon a time but that was a lifetime ago!

So, any of you swingers out there?  Anyone ever thought about swinging? 

Jenn