Thursday, 2 February 2012

The World Seems Dull Today

The world seems dull today.  Nothing is bright.  Nothing is shiny.  Nothing eases the chatter in my head.

If I am being honest with myself, the world has been getting duller a little bit more each day for some time now.  With the dullness come a sort of sadness.

Certainly I plaster on a look of happiness and try to show the world that I am confident in myself, in my abilities and in my voice.  If only that were the truth.

The truth is these past few weeks have been hard.  Depression has poisoned my self-confidence.  Left me waiting for the inevitable . . . to be told once again how I messed up something . . . watching as my work and ideas are questioned, examined, second guessed . . . desperately trying not to let it chip away at the tiny ray of confidence I have worked so hard to rebuild.

I argue with myself.  Fight the defensiveness.  Try not to immediately wonder how it is that I have f*cked up once again. 

But the poison seeps in.  The inevitable questioning of my own competence . . . my own abilities.  Today the poison is winning.  It is like an ice pick chipping away at any sort of confidence in myself that dares to show its face. 

Today I am dull. 
Jenn

Adventures in Estrogen


7 comments:

  1. I get it. Completely. It will not ever overcome you but damn, sometimes it feels there is no end in sight to how much duller you can feel. xxxx

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  2. Don't it in, sweetness! Gawd damn mutherfreckin' poison! Grrrrr.

    Love ya :) x

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  3. Matte finish today here, too.

    But I still think you're shiny where it counts.

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  4. Oh hon, I know I how you feel. The poison has won today and it hurts and it sucks, but there is tomorrow. It may not be better tomorrow, but it is another chance to fight. And you have to keep fighting. Because you deserve better. You deserve bright and shiny and brilliant. You are smart, you are talented, you are competent, you are a beautiful person. Even when your mind and the depression tell you otherwise, dig down deep and remember the truth.

    Hoping your day shines brighter tomorrow. {{{hugs}}}

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  5. I am so sorry. i know this poision and how it can ruin your fucking day, week and so on. The thing is, it is a moment, albeit a long fucking moment, and it won't last forever.
    Keep fighting.
    We are all here behind you.
    Your world will be beautiful again. Promise you that.
    xoxo

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  6. Please know that this is normal.
    But this is not your new normal.
    Your on your way back from PPD!! You are bound to have these ruts but you gave the tools and the fight in you to stay above water.
    I know you do!

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Ah connecting is a grand thing!