The world seems dull today. Nothing is bright. Nothing is shiny. Nothing eases the chatter in my head.
If I am being honest with myself, the world has been getting duller a little bit more each day for some time now. With the dullness come a sort of sadness.
Certainly I plaster on a look of happiness and try to show the world that I am confident in myself, in my abilities and in my voice. If only that were the truth.
The truth is these past few weeks have been hard. Depression has poisoned my self-confidence. Left me waiting for the inevitable . . . to be told once again how I messed up something . . . watching as my work and ideas are questioned, examined, second guessed . . . desperately trying not to let it chip away at the tiny ray of confidence I have worked so hard to rebuild.
I argue with myself. Fight the defensiveness. Try not to immediately wonder how it is that I have f*cked up once again.
But the poison seeps in. The inevitable questioning of my own competence . . . my own abilities. Today the poison is winning. It is like an ice pick chipping away at any sort of confidence in myself that dares to show its face.
Today I am dull.