Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Being a Mom with Depression Can Sometimes Suck

So I think we can all agree that parenting can be tough.  There are days when we all think to ourselves Holy Hell . . . there is no way I am not going to totally lose my shit on these kids and yet, on the whole, we all manage to not lose our shit and we call it a successful day in parenting.

Not that I really have anything to compare it to but I have found that parenting with / through my depression has upped the number of Holy Hell  days and added to the just plain tough days.  What sucks is that depression has totally coloured my entire experience with parenting my kids.

When Little Miss arrived it was more in the form of anxiety that took the form of being completely unable to get anything done because there was so much to do.  Add to that the whole failed breastfeeding so damn it all I will just go ahead and pump for 9 months and I also felt trapped inside the house. 

Things got darker when I got pregnant with the little man and got a whole hell of a lot darker after my sweet baby who was totally into attachment parenting even though it was not really in my plans arrived.

But this post is not about parenting with depression it is about parenting after getting help for it.  You see, there are still days that I can feel the affects of my depression on my parenting.

Take for example this past weekend.  It was beautiful and we packed the kids up and headed to the zoo.  Should have been a great day but I was struggling.

I have switched my meds and with that has come a whole bunch of awesome withdrawal symptoms from drug a and some amazing side affects from drug b and I am struggling to function let alone be the awesome mom that I have on occasion been known to be.  I feel queasy.  I am completely exhausted.  I am oh so easily frustrated.  Add to that a new intense dislike of being in crowded places and I was probably not the best mom to take to the zoo on the first really nice day of almost spring.

Our day at the zoo was not a epic failure but I was short with the kids and found that I just could not relax and enjoy the day.  The thing is, I really wanted to relax and I wanted to enjoy our time there but I was feeling crushed under the weight of dealing with this frustrating mental illness. 

I am getting help.  I am taking meds and working with a somewhat crappy therapist to develop my coping skills but there are still times that my kids suffer because I am suffering.  Days go by when all I want is to be alone and be still in the quiet.  Days go by and I continue to find myself unable to cope with the demands be being a parent.  The daily monotony of being an adult, the dishes, the laundry, the cleaning, feel like they are crushing me. The tyrant like requests from the toddler push me to anger quicker than they should.  I am too tired to play, even though the kidlets keep asking. 

Things will get better.  They have been better.  It is not all dark. 

In fact, just the other day my little guy totally make me giggle and proud all at the same time.  While out for a walk with the little man we came upon those horrible testicles hanging off the trailor hitch of a truck.  Of course they are right at eye level so he totally notices them and stops in his tracks. 

Looking up at me, he pinches his nose and says "pewh".  Hold on to that boy because I will be forced to remind you of that sentiment if you ever think those horrid things are a good idea!

Jenn

31 comments:

  1. Hang in there.

    Do you find blogging therapeutic?

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  2. I hear ya on this one sister-friend. Hang in there. We can do it. Happy is on it's way....

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  3. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how much depression can rob you of your life. I pray that each day will get a little better.

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  4. I totally know where you are coming from!
    I'm in the same boat right now with med trials and side effects.
    It sucks...
    I'm here for you and I love you xo

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  5. thinking of you, sending strength and endurance. Grateful you are speaking honestly. *HUG*

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  6. They are the most hideous things!!

    Big hugs - so glad things are looking better. Baby steps, right?
    x

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  7. Enjoy the little things that make you smile. You are right..things will get better.
    Coming from someone who experienced a mother with depression all my life and then I fight it myself. Its just hard to not feel guilty because you want to enjoy it :)

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  8. Hang in there, Jenn... I know how difficult it feels right now to enjoy anything because the depression colors everything grey. But just keep on moving forward, even if it's just one little step at a time. The shitty thing about depression is also how it leads to guilt and feelings of failure--when we snapped at our kids, couldn't enjoy an outing, or just generally being a gloomy mommy. For someone who's struggling with depression I can totally relate to that, but as your friend, I'd also like to remind you, cheer for you, to keep on fighting the good fight.

    Sending you loving thoughts, dear friend...

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  9. As a fellow sufferer, I feel your pain. One of the things that helps me is to ask myself: would my kids be better off with someone else? The answer is always no. And if I can answer no than I can't be doing things that horribly.

    "The child psychologist who thought she had all the answers to parenting until she became one herself." www.themommypsychologist.com.

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  10. You are braver than you give yourself credit for lovely Jenn, you knew you needed help and sought it - that is the sign of a mummy who loves her family enough to want the best for everyone xxx

    P S crappy holy hell days happening here lately too, hence the ph tweet this morn, argh!!!

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  11. Jenn, I am sorry that you are struggling. Sending you hugs. Savor the little moments of humor and joy to help brighten the grey of the depression. I hope that the side effects level out soon.

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  12. I know this exactly. PPD has forever coloured my parenting, I fear, and it's always way harder than I'd like it to be.

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  13. I hope you find a good combination to make you feel better. I am glad you got help and I am sure your next day at the zoo will be awesome. (We went to the zoo this weekend too. :))

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  14. i know how i get when i'm PMSing so i can only imagine what depression and drugs can do to your day... i know writing helps me, hopefully it does you, too.

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  15. One step at a time and have grace for yourself.

    I love that moment you had with your son...how funny and cute!

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  16. Ugh, tough. But good for you for getting help....that's huge.

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  17. You said it right on, with depression those Oh Hell days just seem to outnumber the rest. I agree with the above comments, I think you are stronger and braver than you give yourself credit for.

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  18. I am impressed with the forthright way you share your story. Fresh, open-minded and open-hearted take on a difficult, often hidden issue. Thanks, Erin

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  19. So glad that things are getting better and that you have those sweet and funny moments to help carry you through.

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  20. So sorry to hear of your struggles. I was the kid with the mom who wasn't on meds for her depression. Your kids will be very thankful you got the help you need to deal.

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  21. Sorry to hear of your struggle with depression, but also glad to hear that you are getting help. Wonderful moment with your son! Cherish it.

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  22. what a tough place to be. So glad you have words to express it and to help others who feel it too. Yes. It is not all dark. But the darkness, like light is real. Keeping fighting through it, and finding those great moments.

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  23. i can't imagine how difficult this is... so glad you can find those moments with your son. fight on!

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  24. It's painful to hear your descriptions, moreso because I can finally understand a bit of what you mean. Thankfully, I never fell to far, but it was there. It's utterly impossible to believe, but it's just as utterly true that the days get brighter for longer eventually. Being busy, stretching towards the sun, giving and receiving butterfly kisses for no reason other than you want to - these things will help.

    Thank you for sharing. It makes a difference. Add a few more tags to make this easier to find for someone who needs to read it. :)

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  25. I really hope you're not being too hard on yourself. Tell you babies you love them every day, give them hugs and kisses, and then let the rest work itself out.

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  26. Depression sucks, even worse when you are a mom. Hang in there and try and focus/remember the sweet moments.

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  27. Ugh. I know how you feel. It's like there's a cloud that you can't get out of, even though you KNOW there's sunshine on the other side. I'm sorry you feel like this, Jenn.

    But the testicles? Made me laugh out loud!

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  28. I'm glad you're starting to see the other side of it, but I can imagine how miserably tough some of the days have been. You're definitely not alone in having to deal with this kind of BS while also trying to be the best mom you can. It's unbelievably hard.

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  29. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and the truth of your journey. I admire you for going to the zoo at all!

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Ah connecting is a grand thing!