Back in the day, before the arrival of my little man, noise didn't seem to phase me. Certainly Little Miss' tiny cries would break my fragile new mom heart but just general noise didn't affect me.
Today was such a day of contrasts. It was a beautiful day. My lunch was spent out in the sun, enjoying the beauty of the park that surrounds me daily. I was happy. I was calm. I was grateful for my life.
My mood changed, seemingly on a dime, when I arrived home. Suddenly the noise of whining, the constant demands for my attention, for me to fulfil an apparently desperate need, overwhelmed me. It was just too much. My mood sunk.
Much like that book "Go The F*ck to Sleep" . . . the mantra running through my head is "Please, Just Shut The F*ck Up."
Noise triggers terrible anxiety and anger, particularly when the noise seems to be focused on me. My ability to cope with the everyday life evaporates and I struggle to maintain my composure . . . struggle to not beg those around me to just shut up.
Growing up, shut up was considered a swear word and was not permitted . . . . with my desperate need to shout it from the hills on some days just makes me feel horrible . . . a terrible guilt that I am wanting / needing to swear at my kids.
I need to find some way of coping, of not allowing noise to be a trigger because, let's face it, kids are noisy . . . . incredibly noisy!
I finally got to a Little Miss soccer game tonight . . . I fear that I am a soccer mom. I also fear the my daughter is completely harassing the poor coach with her tugging at his shorts, chasing him down to hug him and basically following him around the field. The poor guy is being unintentionally sexually harassed by a completely innocent 4 year old.
Needless to say, both Brad and I have apologised to the coach and discussed with Little Miss about how coaches do love hugs but they love high-fives even more!
It is now less than two weeks to my race and I am so not ready. Life, a pulled calf muscle and the kids activities have meant that I have not been training nearly as much as I had hoped to. Basically now my goal is to avoid as many burpees as possible and just have fun! I am nervous though . . . very, very nervous.