Monday, 14 January 2013

Twitchy

That is the only word I have in my vocabulary to describe how I am feeling lately . . . twitchy . . . like I need to keep moving all the time or something will crawl on me.

It is not a pleasant feeling and it leaves me defensive and reactive, two things that tend to make me not so great to be around.

I am stepping back and trying to incorporate some of my techniques from therapy to figure out what in the hell triggered the DT's that I am feeling.  

Turns out the trigger was something simply amazing that reminded me of a simpler time.

For three nights at the end of December my parents took the kidlets.  That meant that there were three nights of actually sleeping in my bed with my husband. That meant three mornings of only having to get myself ready for my day. That meant three days of coming home from work and not being bombarded with questions, needs,  and "look at me". The meant three days of feeling a sense of freedom, a sense of calm  . . . life slowed down even though I was busy.

I love my kids and I love my life more than words can explain but it turns out I desperately miss the freedom of life before them. 

Almost immediately upon their return there was so much noise, so many real and perceived pressures on me that my skin began to crawl. I felt twitchy. I was short in my answers and quick to anger. I felt put out by each and every request. I turned to Brad and angrily stated that I wished they were still at my parents. 

I find myself unable to handle the everyday, the clutter, the chaos. 

I need to find a away to reconcile my long dormant need for selfish freedom with the realities of my life. I need to be less twitchy, less angry.

It started this weekend as I began to rid us of some of the clutter.  I cleaned out my closet of things I no longer wear.  I went through the bookshelves for books we no longer read.  The house was put back into order and I felt less twitchy.  Soon we will rid ourselves of toys we no longer play with and furniture that just takes up space.  

I am pondering taking a class in mediation . . . or at least getting a book on it from the library. Sometimes I wonder if most of the noise that is suffocating me is really in my head. The return of my insomnia would suggest that. 

Perhaps the twitchy is a sign that change is coming. I am hoping it is a change in me. A me that finds ways to clear the noise and truly enjoy my amazing life. 

Jenn

3 comments:

  1. Sending you love. The noise is a lot to deal with. If you figure out how to balance it with your own needs, please let me know! ;)

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  2. I'm thinking of you. I have noticed that my insomnia returns when the noise in my head is too loud. I use meditation and yoga to help me with the monkey mind and twitchy feeling. I have also found that cleaning up clutter makes me feel better too.

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  3. I get this. I hope you can find a balance between the freedom you need and the family time. Hugs!

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